Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships: Trusting God in the Process
In the most recent episode of the I Am M.U.C.H. Woman Podcast with Dr. JJ, one powerful point stood out to me: breaking free from unhealthy relationship cycles can sometimes feel like experiencing a quasi-death. Walking away from someone, as if they are no longer living, can be incredibly difficult—especially when no contact is the healthiest choice. The emotional toll of cutting ties with someone can sometimes make it feel easier to just stay in the relationship, hoping that things might change one day for the better.
But, we have to ask ourselves: What do we really want to change? Do we want this person to stop hurting us? The immediate answer may be, "Yes, of course!" But what will it take for that to happen? Do we believe that a conversation from us or someone else could be the catalyst for change? Will a threat of leaving the relationship permanently make them change?
From my own experience, I can say that the threat of losing you often does not create lasting change. If a person’s behavior is going to change, it must come from within them. They need to desire change—not because of you, but because they want it for themselves. Change comes when it becomes a personal choice, and that choice is often accompanied by suffering. Romans 5:3-5 (AMP) says, “And not only this, but [with joy] let us exult in our sufferings and rejoice in our hardships, knowing that hardship (distress, pressure, trouble) produces patient endurance; 4 and endurance, proven character (spiritual maturity); and proven character, hope and confident assurance [of eternal salvation]. 5 Such hope [in God’s promises] never disappoints us, because God’s love has been abundantly poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
Suffering produces godly character. Psalm 119:71 (NIV) also tells us, “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” Sometimes, the person’s choice to change and grow may require the absence of you—whether temporarily or permanently. We have to allow space for others to grow on their own, if they choose to do so. If they choose to change, they may return, ready for a healthy relationship, or they may return simply to acknowledge the growth and thank you for giving them space. Either outcome is a success.
You may ask, "But CJ, how is it a success if I didn’t get what I wanted—being in relationship with them?" The success lies in their growth. Your departure isn’t about getting your way but about helping that person get what they need. For me, that would be a deeper, personal relationship with the Lord.
This is where trust in God comes in. As you let go, you also need to delight in the Lord, trusting that He will give you the desires of your heart—whether that’s this person returning, changed and ready for a relationship with you, or God blessing you in another way. Suffering is necessary for you too. 1 Peter 5:10 (ESV) says, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” This, my friends, is the freedom that comes with trusting God.
Let me share a beautiful testimony from one of my dearest friends, who has given me permission to share her story.
Years ago, my friend entered a relationship with a man she truly loved. They developed a deep connection, and she began to dream of a future together in marriage. However, she discovered a painful truth—he had been living a double life (he was being dishonest). Devastated, she knew she could not accept his dishonesty. She made the difficult decision to walk away, going no contact. Despite the love she still felt for him, she turned to God in prayer, asking for the strength to stand firm in her principles. She prayed that if he was ever to come back into her life, he would have to meet three conditions (which she never shared with him):
1. He must develop a true personal relationship with the Lord and attend a local church for spiritual support and growth.
2. He must seek counseling to address his past and strengthen his resolve for the future.
3. He must demonstrate independence and self-sufficiency, no longer relying unhealthily on others.
A year later, he called her and told her he had done all three things and wanted to rebuild their relationship. After confirming the truth of his words, they reconciled and were married soon after. Years later, I asked him about his side of the story. He shared that he did not know about the prayer my friend had prayed (at the time), but after her leaving him, he realized he needed to make changes—for himself. He said that he loved her deeply and knew that one day, he would marry her, but first, he had to surrender to God. And…it was so….
16 But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image, 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 (NLT).
To God be the Glory, Forever and Ever. Amen.